10 Ways to Effortlessly Cook Pasta
You probably think boiling spaghetti is the best, easiest way to boil spaghetti. And you're right. But it's not the easiest way to cook spaghetti.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the future:
Number 1: Double Pot Basket Steamer
It's self explanatory. Fill a deep fryer 1/3 full with water. Place a metal cooling grate closely above the surface of the water and lay your dry noodles down.
Let open-steam for 55 minutes or until the ends of the noodles begin to droop below the grate wires.
The best reason for utilizing this kitchen hack is that you can also cook the other components of your pasta dinner on the same heat source. Meatballs, peppers, onions, tomatoes: they all will steam to full cookedness in under an hour.
Number 2: Hibachi
Heat a pot of water and place your dry noodles on a serving dish. When the water comes to a boil, use a spoon to ladle the water over the pasta.
You should have to use approximately 177 spoonfuls of hot water. Do not use a big spoon. Only through small, consistent supplies of water will the noodles cook properly and to completion.
Number 3: Chernobyl
Call your local nuclear power plant and ask for temporary clearance to their AU containment structure. Once on site, loosen the valve that holds steam generator cleaning port until a small, pressurized stream of superheated water flows out.
Hold your pasta noodles in line with the stream for roughly 60 seconds until soft. Don't overcook or you might lose a nostril.
Number 4: Marshmallow Style
Go to the woods and find a good spot to start setting up a satanic ritual. Instead of setting up a satanic ritual, set up a campfire.
Once the fire is up and blazing, locate a good long stick that you can pierce your pastas with. (This method works best with lasagna sheets).
Carefully hold your lasagna over the peak flame for 4 minutes or until golden brown.
Number 5: 'Cano
Place your spaghetti in a tall asbestos-lined glass 2/3 full with water. Place the glass in a volcano or collapsing star. Let boil for 3 seconds then remove and serve.
The best thing about this method is that you don't have to drain the water—it should vaporize by 2.89 seconds. The remaining .11 seconds allow the noodles to bake just a tad and infuse them with a nice smoky flavor.
Number 6: Subletting
It's a common misconception that noodles require liquid in order to cook. Because this is false, it's very easy to combine the cooking process of other recipes with the cooking of pasta.
The possibilities are endless, but for best results I recommend a casserole. Stick your spaghetti noodles neatly into an in-the-making saucy Tex-Mex. Cook and serve.
The best reason for using a casserole is because it and the pasta noodles often share the same cooking time. This way, you can simply pop it in the oven and take out all in one go.
Number 7: Manpower
It's a popular rumor that an adult male can thoroughly cook a batch of pasta using only their breath. This rumor is absolutely true.
Take a plate of pasta (preferably spaghetti) and begin breathing on one end of the noodles. It will take at least 400 consecutive breaths to get 1 square inch of pasta al dente, so take your time.
Number 8: Makeshift
Place your dry pasta in an Erlenmeyer flask with 848 milliliters of dihydrogen monoxide. Locate your nearest Bunsen burner and adjust the gas valve until you get a pure blue or clear flame (an orange flame means more soot).
Secure your flask to a ring stand and carefully set it over the flame. Let pasta cook for 9-11 minutes or until all noodles are below the neck of the flask.
Tip the flask upside down to let the water drain out. The noodles shouldn't fall through, so in order to get those out simply crack the top of the flask and fork them onto a plate.
Number 9: Pressure Cooker
Take three forks, discard one fork, and carefully use your hands to transfer your pasta noodles to a pressure cooker.
Here's the kicker: we're not going to use water. Simply secure the lid and set the pressure to high. Let cook for 15 minutes, remove pasta and transfer to a pot of boiling water.
Boil for 20 minutes. The outside of the noodles will be hard and the inside will be soft and gushy. This technique works best with gnocchi.
Number 10: Blender
It's a little-known fact that, if powerful enough, the kinetic friction produced by a blender or food processor is sufficient to heat several cups of water to a boil.
Using this knowledge, we will set the blender to its highest setting and add the pasta until finely pulverized. Place this noodle dust in a cereal bowl with 1/2 cup of cold water. Stir and microwave for 1 minute or until mushy.
Add cinnamon and 1 tablespoon of brown sugar. Serve to your grandfather or a toothless dog.