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How to Make Perfect Oysters

Oysters are a very complicated food to prepare. They require a lot of time, focus, and effort.

Did you laugh? That was a joke. Oysters are pathetic.

Sea salt oysters

This is how to Make a Perfect Oyster

First you'll need an ocean. Next, locate seashells in a seashore without seagulls. Seagulls tend to eat the oysters located inside seashells.

Want to know how seagulls eat oysters? They crack the shell by grabbing the oyster using their beaks and flying it up high enough so that, when dropped, the shell splits open on impact.

So you have your oysters. Great. Now clean them harder than you clean your truck tires. Get a toothbrush to scrub between the shell lines. I mean it; ocean water is chock-full of icky garbage and ship oil, so you want to make sure each and every molecule is transposed by cleanness.

Are your oysters fully clean? If they're not, that's okay. Go ahead now and follow the steps below to get cooking.

Fantastic baked oysters

Prep: 10 min | Cooking: 15 min | Total: 25 min

Makes 24 oysters


  • Butter (4 tbsp)

  • Garlic, minced and pressed (4 cloves)

  • Onions, minced (1 cup)

  • Red pepper flakes (1/4 tsp)

  • Lemon juice (1 tbsp)

  • Spinach (one 5-oz. bag)

  • Parmesan cheese (3/4 cup)

  • Oysters, washed and shucked (2 dozen)

  • Sea salt (a generous amount)

  • Ground black pepper (to taste)


  1. Preheat oven to 475 °F.

  2. Melt butter in a large skillet on medium heat. Saute onions and garlic for 6 minutes. Stir in red pepper flakes and lemon juice.

  3. Add spinach until it shrinks a bit, then mix in cheese until it melts.

  4. Place oysters between one or two baking sheets and stuff them with spinach filling. Place in oven and bake for 6-7 minutes or until they look cooked.

  5. Sprinkle with salt and black pepper. Plate and serve.

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